I stayed home the whole weekend, as in literally inside the house (with the exception of a 5 minute trip to the minimart) because Im suffering from a very very serious constipation- to a point where standing straight becomes painful. In the span of 2 days I have overdosed (really overdosed) on laxatives and prune juice ...................still no effect. My stomach is amazing, maybe I'll resort to drinking expired milk hahahaha ok kidding. I dont even know if I should go to the office tomorrow with my tummy making 100 decibel churning sounds and not forgetting erm fartsssss hahahahaha.

Ok so 48 hours confinement in this apartment = dvd heaven. I watched little miss sunshine (really good), 10 things I hate about you (hillarious), a good year (pretty good tho a little slow) and Paris Je Taime (weird..). I still have I heart huckabees and Elizabeth the golden age left to watch haha and no more books to read.

And I cant believe that in this 48 hours that I have, I still havent make a decision on my college housing (!!!!) because apparently my first choice dorm is a very popular one and I need to write a supplemental essay just to apply, wtf! And honestly I dont even have a strong reason to choose that building which means that Im just going to write a crappy essay........... Plan B, here we go (as always)

Im having the most meaningless life now ...just waiting for gossip girl every week hahahaha. Cant wait for internship to end

Long long long long looooong road

1. I had a 12 hour work day today and i definitely see more 9pm office nights coming up in the next week. I dont know how I am ever going to handle working life next time haha.

2. I realized this year feels so weird and surreal because it's going to pass almost without school. And I cant believe we are approaching mid year already!

3. Can't wait to move on with REAL life i.e school (?) errr

4. I know Im never a fan of gossip girl but all the buzz about it makes me so excited to catch the upcoming season!!

5. I think Milo Ventimiglia is so hawwwt (hahaha i bet a lof of pple would disagree)

6. Im reading a very interesting and addictive book called never let me go by kazuo ishiguro and Im dying to know the truth about these children's lives.

7. I've been having very 'real' dreams about bits and pieces of my current life and my maid has been telling me about how I talk in my sleep (?!!!)

8. I dont understand how I could want something so badly (or at least claim to) and yet feel no excitement/passion/drive to do something about it. And after some thinking, I realized maybe I want this so badly not so much for myself but for somebody else.

9. Im looking at future life via dorms virtual tours and roomates matching............how come all the rooms look the same ?! Sigh I hate required meal plans (although dining halls look so nice) coz I just imagine myself being a big ball of fats.

10. I hate myself for not having a summer plan !!! I need to get out of this place.... so I better start planning before it's too late to make any plans. But being the lazy ass that I am, I'll probably never get down to doing it :S

Second best

I know my past blog entries have been nothing but complains and bitterness towards everyone and life. I realized I was being very spoilt and childish and annoying. So for a change, I'm going to .... not complain haha.

My parents just left for Europe a few hours ago so it's just me, my sisters and my maid for the next 2 weeks. In case it wasnt clear enough, my previous entry was about me being placed on wait-list for my first choice school which got my parents upset, got me upset and got us into a big fight. A fight that got me reflecting and crying for 2 days but made me realize how much of a jerk Ive been this whole time and how I kept blaming everyone, God, the world for everything that goes wrong in my life when I should actually be questioning if I deserve all these things that I want so badly. I just received a letter from UMich which gives me much more hope, but again nothing is for certain and all I can do now is to have faith and prepare myself for the best and worst.

Things are not going as planned. My sister is most likely enrolling in fall instead of summer and that gives me less reason to take summer classes. In conclusion, I'll most probably only leave in August. My internship will last until end of May (im not going to extend haha) and I'll prob find a slack part time job or go back to Indo while waiting for August to arrive. My cousins are going to Bali in June so maybe I should join them (?)

Okay this entry sounds painfully forced. I havent uploaded photos for a very long time so here are some!


This is from a few weeks back when Wenxi and I tried to be adventurous and settled for Brazillian dinner in Chjimes hahaha. Brazillian food is so salty and pepper-ish, I wonder why Brazillians dont get hypertension.

Last week I had buffet lunch with my family at Shangrila where the food wasnt as fantastic as everyone said it is haha.

This one is at National Museum where Olivia and I went to watch an Indo movie. It was part of the Singapore Film festival thing and the director was there for the opening haha. She's so young and pretty and hot and talented, why can't I be like that hahahaha ok jkjk.


Oli and David hahaha
David's dick and I hahahahahhaHA

Last Monday I had dinner at PS Cafe with Ness where we had a scary walk out of Dempsey (haha scary for me lah) and a worm/caterpillar landed on my pants.

Ok bye

I know I have lost touch with religion, but I didnt know I am losing touch with myself. Im slowly morphing into an angry, short tempered, ungrateful, snobbish and disrespectful person without realizing, and it's so hard to change especially if I refuse to admit my flaw over and over again. I need a peace of mind, but I dont know who to turn to. I know I am in no position to ask God for anything anymore, I strongly feel that what Im facing right now is a punishment that I probably deserve for.... everything that I do.

The only reason for my lack of patience and tolerance when it comes to school related topics is my insecurities. It's probably the one thing that's always stuck at the back of my head every single day and it doesnt help being asked the same rethorical question every single day 'how come you school hasnt replied you?' If you're worried, what does that make me- almost insane? Im sorry if you intepret my snappy tone of answers as a sign or arrogance and swollen headedness; "Jessica thinks she's so goddamn fucking smart, she thinks can get into wherever she wants that's why she gets so annoyed everytime I ask her questions". I wonder if you ever think that what Im experiencing is the exact opposite. It's precisely because Im so insecure and worried that I snap everytime you ask me about it. I feel so lousy about myself everyday when I come home every night to an empty table without any letters or checked a website that showed the same page for the past month or so and I hate being reminded every single day about how pathetic I am. Being confident is seriously the last thing that I feel, dont even think about trying to be a smarty pants.

Sometimes I dont know why this world is so cruel. One moment you're up and the next you go all the way down. Why do you give me hope and then take it all away? There's a point of time not too long ago when I feel quite accomplished, when I am so full of hopes and excitement about what the future has to offer, but right now I feel nothing more than insignificant. You may be good, but you're never good enough. I am such a disappointment to everyone and myself. I dont blame you for shouting and screaming at me with such disgust and disdain for a solid 45 minutes with a voice loud enough to wake the whole block up. I havent felt so small and pathetic in such a long time. I dont understand how you can think so lowly of me, like Im the most delusional/snobbish/overconfident person on earth and how you said God is cursing me for all the bad things Ive done.

I fucking hate going home at night when everyone is fucking depressed or in a fucking bad mood. Thank God I havent gone home for dinner for the past ........ two weeks. I wish I could go home at twelve everyday when everyone's asleep and I dont have to face any one of them. B.L.I.S.S

By the way I just blew 3/4 of my pay over one weekend. Im so bad with money, my mom thinks Im gonna be poor when i grow up and I totally agree. My parents are going to Europe next week for Im not sure how long, I dont know if I should be happy or sad.

Life, love and why

My week has been filled with mostly work, yoga and troubled thoughts. I've been going to True Yoga for a week now and it's becoming my new hobby! Fyi, I dont have many hobbies, maybe none. It started out with me limping out of my first class (seriously almost died), but today I went for two classes in a row, bodycombat and power yoga, and still could go for three hours of shopping. Haha Im as fit as a fiddle! hahahah and still as fat as ass lah okay.

I have so much things in mind right now. I thought everything was going well, but now Im so full of doubts. It's either usc or michigan for me, now that Penn is out of the question (obviously not a big shock haha). I dont understand why michigan is taking ages to reply me; Im trying to console/convince myself that this doesnt equal to rejection but Im really getting restless and worried from all the waiting. On the bright side, even I dont get accepted into Michigan, I knew I'll be very happy in usc. Maybe God just wants me to enjoy myself after seeing how tortured I am in JC hahaha. Sigh obviously still trying to console myself.

Okay I shall cheer myself up by reading some adrian mole. Haha I know adrian mole is sooo secondary school but it's shit ass funny!