"But you don't need anything. You have everything," I tell him.
Rip looks at me. "No. I don't"
There's a pause and then I ask, "Oh, shit, Rip, what don't you have?"
"I don't have anything to lose"
So anyway that was from a book I just read called Less Than Zero. A book about a generation of disgustingly rich teens and their hedonistic/psychotic lives in LA. Drugs,sex,money,violence; it's easily the most disturbing, troubling and vulgar novel that I've ever read. Some pages really makes me want to puke and cry out of disgust and disbelief hahaha. My face was scrunched up most of the time and I had people in the bus staring at me, probably amused at my expression. I dont even know why I continued reading, but in the weirdest way I actually liked the book. Gotta try Catcher in the Rye sometime soon.
Anyway moving to real life, I walked out on dinner today and that's smth Ive never ever done before. And yes I did feel guilty after that but it'll take up too much of my pride to sit back down. It started out with a stupid argument with my youngest sister over diet coke and how studies show that it can actually increase your cravings (i know it's so lame). And then we somehow got a little defensive and started a mini debate. Then my mom just had to join in the most out of topic fashion and talk about ....my lack of manner. How I should watch my tone and words when I speak to them, and how I often use condescending tone without realizing. Ok in the first place I wasnt even talking/arguing with them and FYI, the way I talk to my parents is, by any standard, far more polite than a million other kids of my age. Give me a break LAH. So today i had a diet coke for dinner and swam 40 laps after that.
Ok gtg watch green mile.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
God, shed some light
No, right now I dont even deserve to ask God for anything. I cant even remember the last time I prayed sincerely. I've been trying to deny this for too long and trying to convince myself that it's not happening but yes Im starting to lose my connection with God or whatever you call it. Sometimes Im so disgusted at myself when I actually took pride in saying that I go to church every Sunday, observing every special days like holy thurs, gd friday bla2. Yes it's beyond disgusting to actually feel accomplished in some ways when people told me 'oh you went to church for XXX day?, wow you're so religious I didnt even bother going for mass' . Come on, who the fuck am I trying to kid...myself ?
I dont understand what's going on with me. I've been blessed with countless things this year. Starting with how my US plan is working out pretty well when I had been so doubtful about it, then the internship which, well I can say it's both a blessing and a nightmare, my Alvl results which I gotta be thankful for, my parents who've been really healthy and happy lately. I really couldnt ask for more (other than maybe ask God for diet tips). The point is I cant even bring myself to thank God and meant what I said with all my heart. Even when Im sad, when I feel lonely, when I need guidance (which happens from time to time this year), I dont even pray for God's help. I've never ever ever felt more alone than this, Ive lost the one thing/person I can always rely on and hold on to when there's no one else to run to.
In the past, everytime Im sad, every night when I sleep with my eyes open talking/thinking to myself for hours, I know there's someone listening and I take comfort in that. I guess now I've forgotten what it feels like to be heard, to know there's always someone who has your back, someone who's always there for you no matter where you are. I know this next statement may seem a bit extreme, but Im starting to believe (or maybe I really believe) that God had somehow disappeared from my life. Maybe I should be a free thinker for a while ......... wait maybe I already am for the past few months without realizing.
No, right now I dont even deserve to ask God for anything. I cant even remember the last time I prayed sincerely. I've been trying to deny this for too long and trying to convince myself that it's not happening but yes Im starting to lose my connection with God or whatever you call it. Sometimes Im so disgusted at myself when I actually took pride in saying that I go to church every Sunday, observing every special days like holy thurs, gd friday bla2. Yes it's beyond disgusting to actually feel accomplished in some ways when people told me 'oh you went to church for XXX day?, wow you're so religious I didnt even bother going for mass' . Come on, who the fuck am I trying to kid...myself ?
I dont understand what's going on with me. I've been blessed with countless things this year. Starting with how my US plan is working out pretty well when I had been so doubtful about it, then the internship which, well I can say it's both a blessing and a nightmare, my Alvl results which I gotta be thankful for, my parents who've been really healthy and happy lately. I really couldnt ask for more (other than maybe ask God for diet tips). The point is I cant even bring myself to thank God and meant what I said with all my heart. Even when Im sad, when I feel lonely, when I need guidance (which happens from time to time this year), I dont even pray for God's help. I've never ever ever felt more alone than this, Ive lost the one thing/person I can always rely on and hold on to when there's no one else to run to.
In the past, everytime Im sad, every night when I sleep with my eyes open talking/thinking to myself for hours, I know there's someone listening and I take comfort in that. I guess now I've forgotten what it feels like to be heard, to know there's always someone who has your back, someone who's always there for you no matter where you are. I know this next statement may seem a bit extreme, but Im starting to believe (or maybe I really believe) that God had somehow disappeared from my life. Maybe I should be a free thinker for a while ......... wait maybe I already am for the past few months without realizing.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
1000 miles per hour
Yeap I think the days are passing really quickly, yesterday feels like the end of feb and here we are in the middle of March. It's amazing how time in my boring life actually flies.
I love libraries and hate librarians (sorry not supposed to discriminate, I got rejected from library club in secondary school hahaha). The other day I spent more than two hours at the library all by myself after work. Then I went to the borrowing machine only to find out I have 13bucks library fines (!!!) The e-kiosk was down so I had to go to the bitchy librarian who kept nagging in chinese...and I just ignored her. So aft a few minutes of nagging and scanning the books, she asked me a question (took me a few secs to even realize she was asking a question coz I was barely listening) and said 'sorry i dont speak chinese' HAHAHAHAHA imagine her furious face.
Anyway, talking about chinese ... my house is turning into some beginner standard chinese classroom. My mom, obviously desperate to improve, wanted everyone to start speaking chinese. My chinese is ranked second worst in the house (my mom being the first) so .. I suck hahaha.
Ok some pictures from the week
Tiff milking the mother cowww haha
Happy birthday audrey! I also want an instant print camera or whatever it is called.
Yeap I think the days are passing really quickly, yesterday feels like the end of feb and here we are in the middle of March. It's amazing how time in my boring life actually flies.
I love libraries and hate librarians (sorry not supposed to discriminate, I got rejected from library club in secondary school hahaha). The other day I spent more than two hours at the library all by myself after work. Then I went to the borrowing machine only to find out I have 13bucks library fines (!!!) The e-kiosk was down so I had to go to the bitchy librarian who kept nagging in chinese...and I just ignored her. So aft a few minutes of nagging and scanning the books, she asked me a question (took me a few secs to even realize she was asking a question coz I was barely listening) and said 'sorry i dont speak chinese' HAHAHAHAHA imagine her furious face.
Anyway, talking about chinese ... my house is turning into some beginner standard chinese classroom. My mom, obviously desperate to improve, wanted everyone to start speaking chinese. My chinese is ranked second worst in the house (my mom being the first) so .. I suck hahaha.
Ok some pictures from the week
Tiff milking the mother cowww haha
Happy birthday audrey! I also want an instant print camera or whatever it is called.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Sigh, I've always loved reading yearbook over and over again. It brings back so much memories and makes me really miss school. Not that I want to go over it again, I just wish it lasted a little longer haha so that I dont have to feel as old as I do now.
Damn I hate waiting for schools to reply emails, but Im too lazy to make a call. Anyway regarding my results, I am abnormally emotionless about it and it's not because I expect/want more....I just can't bring myself to feel anything much. But Im very thankful and relieved that my effort paid off and I guess I really couldnt ask for more. Anyway it's been a great week, I've gotten my letters of acceptance from UWash and USC (which comes unexpectedly early) and Im waiting for more replies in this next month, which hopefully contain good news haha.
Ok I can't wait to watch diving bell and the butterfly l8r. Been waiting for this a long time and the fact that it's still showing proves that Im fated to catch this hahaha. Bye!
Damn I hate waiting for schools to reply emails, but Im too lazy to make a call. Anyway regarding my results, I am abnormally emotionless about it and it's not because I expect/want more....I just can't bring myself to feel anything much. But Im very thankful and relieved that my effort paid off and I guess I really couldnt ask for more. Anyway it's been a great week, I've gotten my letters of acceptance from UWash and USC (which comes unexpectedly early) and Im waiting for more replies in this next month, which hopefully contain good news haha.
Ok I can't wait to watch diving bell and the butterfly l8r. Been waiting for this a long time and the fact that it's still showing proves that Im fated to catch this hahaha. Bye!
Friday, March 7, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
The brightest stars are falling down
I havent felt better than this in quite a while and Im actually very surprised considering the fact that it's Sunday night which marks the start of another working week. Ok let's list down a few reasons to be happy;
1) I just did 5km on treadmill and cross trainer, 100 sit ups and had steamed vegetables for dinner. Oh i've been exercising regularly for the past 4 days. (altho it's still a long way towards my weight loss plan but at least it's a start!)
2) I feel a little richer because I just deposited some $$ into my account.
3) I bought 5 dresses ytd haha.
4) I realized my job is actually doing me some good. I just helped my parents with their tax computation for their property and rental stuff haha (thanks to the many hours my supervisor left me with nothing to do and thus led me to read the tax master guide by myself....)
5) I am looking forward to one less working day this coming week as Im assuming that As will be out this week. Errm although I wont be surprised if it's not, considering how much delay there's been over the past couple of weeks.
6) I just watched the best grey's anatomy episode ever! ( I hate meredith and Mcdreamy... they look alike somehow)
7) For lunch today, I had one of the best sushi Ive tasted in quite a while!
......Haha ok not that much happy moments to brag about but Im in a good mood, which doesnt happen very often so I must embrace this night HAHAHA.
So a little recap for my weekend. On sat afternoon, my mom made my sister and I go to her friend's house to mingle with their daughters and daughters' friends.... Erm I know it sounds so strange, trust me I feel very akward too especially when I only know 2 out of the 15 (?) girls in there. But anyway it turned out great because they are all so nice and friendly. They hired a make up artist to come to the house and we had a make-up lesson haha which was pretty fun! I was supposed to meet up with wenxi in the evening for some cycling/rollerblading (i duno how to cycle la) but since the weather sucks, we ended up going shopping in town haha. I spent Sunday with my family...doing the usual stuff haha. Ok this post is getting so long and boring. Bye!
I havent felt better than this in quite a while and Im actually very surprised considering the fact that it's Sunday night which marks the start of another working week. Ok let's list down a few reasons to be happy;
1) I just did 5km on treadmill and cross trainer, 100 sit ups and had steamed vegetables for dinner. Oh i've been exercising regularly for the past 4 days. (altho it's still a long way towards my weight loss plan but at least it's a start!)
2) I feel a little richer because I just deposited some $$ into my account.
3) I bought 5 dresses ytd haha.
4) I realized my job is actually doing me some good. I just helped my parents with their tax computation for their property and rental stuff haha (thanks to the many hours my supervisor left me with nothing to do and thus led me to read the tax master guide by myself....)
5) I am looking forward to one less working day this coming week as Im assuming that As will be out this week. Errm although I wont be surprised if it's not, considering how much delay there's been over the past couple of weeks.
6) I just watched the best grey's anatomy episode ever! ( I hate meredith and Mcdreamy... they look alike somehow)
7) For lunch today, I had one of the best sushi Ive tasted in quite a while!
......Haha ok not that much happy moments to brag about but Im in a good mood, which doesnt happen very often so I must embrace this night HAHAHA.
So a little recap for my weekend. On sat afternoon, my mom made my sister and I go to her friend's house to mingle with their daughters and daughters' friends.... Erm I know it sounds so strange, trust me I feel very akward too especially when I only know 2 out of the 15 (?) girls in there. But anyway it turned out great because they are all so nice and friendly. They hired a make up artist to come to the house and we had a make-up lesson haha which was pretty fun! I was supposed to meet up with wenxi in the evening for some cycling/rollerblading (i duno how to cycle la) but since the weather sucks, we ended up going shopping in town haha. I spent Sunday with my family...doing the usual stuff haha. Ok this post is getting so long and boring. Bye!
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