Just a thought.......

I havent been updating and Im not exactly planning to do so either. My writing skill has become so rusty, even my reading skill (or should I say attention span?) has become so horribly pathetic- I find it so hard to finish reading a book these days, thus I resort to watching brainless shows on tudou. Haha in other words I have been wasting my unemployed life doing absolutely unproductive activities, not forgetting spending away my hard earned money too quickly. I hope I won't be the stupidest student entering the university.

Anyway Im writing just to make sure that I havent forgot how to write a proper paragraph or to express my thoughts in words.........haha ok kidding that might be a small part of the reason, but I've been wanting to write about something that's been in my mind lately.

As a few of you may know, for the past month or so, Ive been going to a christian church and even have a cell group. I know I may not the biggest fan/believer of christian churches (Ive been a catholic all my life), but I wanted to do something to revive my dying faith. So does it really work ? Well, not really. I realized that a major part of my problem doesnt really lie in how dull and boring my church is, but myself. Dull sermons and boring masses may (sort of) justify my dozing off in church, but it surely doesnt give me any reasons to not be able to pray, to feel 1 million miles away from God, to slowly finding myself behaving like a non believer.

I realized now that I have just become a bad person, a very very ignorant person, a selfish person, an angry and resentful person, and obviously this has affected my relationship with my family and ultimately God. I hate myself for admitting this; I am not happy being around my parents. Too often these days I wish they were on another holiday so that I can be left alone. And the more I force myself to try to love being around them-and failed, the more guilty and bitter I become and I cant turn to any single person, not even God. This is when I realised I have literally nobody to turn to and I start blaming everybody, a good example-my church, for my diminishing faith when the fact is I have nobody to blame but myself.

I guess everyone go through a phase in their lives when everything seems so wrong. A lot of things may be going fine (not fantastic) in my life right now, but I know deep inside- spiritually and emotionally, this has been the worst worst ever period in my life. I dont even know how to begin explaining my reasons for hating the people who are most important to me in this world.

I believe that ignorance is bliss. I know a lot of nonbelievers or 'christians' who dont pray, dont go to church and are perfectly fine with their lives. Of course I wish I could be a good christian but if couldnt be that, I rather fall into the catagory of ignorant people as I mention above than be a lousy christian trying to be a good one and feeling like such a failure all the time because I know I dont deserve to be called a good christian with the way I live my life.

Honestly, other than today, I dont remember the last time I actually prayed and really mean it. Honestly, I havent felt really happy for quite some time especially at home. So for everyone else's sake and maybe my own, I'll really try to be a better person from today onwards.