I know I have lost touch with religion, but I didnt know I am losing touch with myself. Im slowly morphing into an angry, short tempered, ungrateful, snobbish and disrespectful person without realizing, and it's so hard to change especially if I refuse to admit my flaw over and over again. I need a peace of mind, but I dont know who to turn to. I know I am in no position to ask God for anything anymore, I strongly feel that what Im facing right now is a punishment that I probably deserve for.... everything that I do.

The only reason for my lack of patience and tolerance when it comes to school related topics is my insecurities. It's probably the one thing that's always stuck at the back of my head every single day and it doesnt help being asked the same rethorical question every single day 'how come you school hasnt replied you?' If you're worried, what does that make me- almost insane? Im sorry if you intepret my snappy tone of answers as a sign or arrogance and swollen headedness; "Jessica thinks she's so goddamn fucking smart, she thinks can get into wherever she wants that's why she gets so annoyed everytime I ask her questions". I wonder if you ever think that what Im experiencing is the exact opposite. It's precisely because Im so insecure and worried that I snap everytime you ask me about it. I feel so lousy about myself everyday when I come home every night to an empty table without any letters or checked a website that showed the same page for the past month or so and I hate being reminded every single day about how pathetic I am. Being confident is seriously the last thing that I feel, dont even think about trying to be a smarty pants.

Sometimes I dont know why this world is so cruel. One moment you're up and the next you go all the way down. Why do you give me hope and then take it all away? There's a point of time not too long ago when I feel quite accomplished, when I am so full of hopes and excitement about what the future has to offer, but right now I feel nothing more than insignificant. You may be good, but you're never good enough. I am such a disappointment to everyone and myself. I dont blame you for shouting and screaming at me with such disgust and disdain for a solid 45 minutes with a voice loud enough to wake the whole block up. I havent felt so small and pathetic in such a long time. I dont understand how you can think so lowly of me, like Im the most delusional/snobbish/overconfident person on earth and how you said God is cursing me for all the bad things Ive done.