God, shed some light

No, right now I dont even deserve to ask God for anything. I cant even remember the last time I prayed sincerely. I've been trying to deny this for too long and trying to convince myself that it's not happening but yes Im starting to lose my connection with God or whatever you call it. Sometimes Im so disgusted at myself when I actually took pride in saying that I go to church every Sunday, observing every special days like holy thurs, gd friday bla2. Yes it's beyond disgusting to actually feel accomplished in some ways when people told me 'oh you went to church for XXX day?, wow you're so religious I didnt even bother going for mass' . Come on, who the fuck am I trying to kid...myself ?

I dont understand what's going on with me. I've been blessed with countless things this year. Starting with how my US plan is working out pretty well when I had been so doubtful about it, then the internship which, well I can say it's both a blessing and a nightmare, my Alvl results which I gotta be thankful for, my parents who've been really healthy and happy lately. I really couldnt ask for more (other than maybe ask God for diet tips). The point is I cant even bring myself to thank God and meant what I said with all my heart. Even when Im sad, when I feel lonely, when I need guidance (which happens from time to time this year), I dont even pray for God's help. I've never ever ever felt more alone than this, Ive lost the one thing/person I can always rely on and hold on to when there's no one else to run to.

In the past, everytime Im sad, every night when I sleep with my eyes open talking/thinking to myself for hours, I know there's someone listening and I take comfort in that. I guess now I've forgotten what it feels like to be heard, to know there's always someone who has your back, someone who's always there for you no matter where you are. I know this next statement may seem a bit extreme, but Im starting to believe (or maybe I really believe) that God had somehow disappeared from my life. Maybe I should be a free thinker for a while ......... wait maybe I already am for the past few months without realizing.